Tag Archives: humor

Event work? More like Pan-handling

Summer of 2009, I had just graduated college. I found a job ad in the newspaper. The job was at a promotional event company. At the time I was looking to get into Public Relations and though it read like a perfect fit. Their website was phenomenal but it wasn’t pathetic so I applied. I received a call and was asked in for an interview. I was stoked. I drove about 45 minutes from home for the interview. I pulled into a “business park”. I found the office quickly because they had a nice sign up over their door. I walked in and was greeted by a secretary. I waited a couple of minutes and was ushered into an office. The office was bleak – no family photos, no papers, no….computer. A big guy walked in, interviewed me (he was nice from what I can remember) and explained that he’d love for me to come in for a second interview.

The job? I was going to be running “promotional events” (in quotes for a reason). These “events” were to help promote and fundraise for the very well-known D.A.R.E. program. I thought that was pretty neat.

I pictured this: the company locks down locations (parks, schools, centers of malls etc.) and sets up a day event. Moms, kids, nosy teens stop buy and we educate them about the program, maybe there is a clown or a face painter and then maybe they’ll want to help support a good cause/educational program by donating. They can donate by: 1. giving money 2. Buying a D.A.R.E. product or 3. Buying a D.A.R.E. product and then donating it back (typically the products were coloring books, picture books, water bottles) that would be handed out at schools or something (who knows, I don’t really).

Ok great – I go out to my car and I call my Dad to tell him how it went. But as I’m sitting there talking to him I’ve got this odd feeling, something isn’t right. I say to my Dad, “I got the second interview, I just don’t know if I want to go back”. This prompts a long drawn out lecture about never giving up. Finally I chime in, “Fine I’ll go but I still don’t know….the room I interviewed in…it didn’t even have a computer.” He goes on to tell me that not having a computer could mean so many different things (this coming from an everything technology junkie does not settle well with me); how I’m lucky to have gotten an interview in this failed economy (yep, 2009 college graduate a.k.a year of the twenty-something shattered dreams), how I can’t pass up the second interview because how would I live with the “what-ifs” and then a list of “what-ifs” are rattled off. Now some people may find “what-ifs” and easy thing to shrug off – I am not one of those people. The “what-ifs” eat me a live. If someone says, “Jenna, I’ve got to tell you something….” And then follows up that statement with a “never mind”  I go crazy inside, like knowing what that something is the only thing that can keep me alive. I digress…

The morning of the second interview I woke up early and made the 45 minute drive, again. I walk into the office but this time I don’t just see the secretary. There’s a wall that faces her desk, it’s lined with chairs, in these chairs? A dozen business-casual dressed (some a little too formal) kids my age. I was kind of amped by this, I thrive off scholarly competition. I check in and sit down next to a girl. She asks me where I found this job, blah blah. I remember thinking she was dumb and that her major had nothing to do with the sort of position I believed I was getting myself in to. All of a sudden, from behind the wall we had our backs to, comes this chanting, actually it was more like cheering. It sounded like a team morale kind of thing, sort of cheesy but I’ve always wanted a work environment that promoted some sort of comradery. That’s when they shut the lights, directed our attention towards a TV in the corner and started a “movie”.

The video explains how the job is awesome, the different avenues of promotion and then an employee trip to Cancun? It was all very passive-aggressive. The anxiety I carried over from the first interview is now heightened. All I can think is “what the hell did I get myself into?” After the movie is over the same man that interviewed me announces to the group that we are going to be splitting up. Each person will go with two “Event Executives” to a scheduled event. You will learn how to work the events and at the end the two “Event Executives” will gauge your performance. If they find that you performed well than they will ask you back and voila! You’re a member of the team and congratulations.

Before I go on let me explain something – it’s the beginning of June. We’re in New York but regardless it’s still hot. I’m wearing black dress pants, a yellow tank top, and over the tank top I have a short sleeved blazer. I am wearing 3 ½-4 inch heels. Not only are my clothes uncomfortable but it’s not an ideal summer outfit either.

My name is called from the list. The man says “Jenna, you’re going to be shadowing with Herpina & Derpina.” I was kind of bummed. I know it was a “job interview” but I’d much rather shadow a guy. Why? Well there’s always the possibility that he’s hot. If the job sucked at least I’d have someone to flirt with. Or better yet maybe he’d think I was hot and make my chances of getting the job even better. Herpina and Derpina come over and introduce themselves to me. They are wearing denim skirts, stare-at-my-cleavage tank tops and Old Navy flip-flops. My inner monologue was judging them so harshly. Funnily enough – I wasn’t thinking “Oh wow if I knew I could dress so casually”…No, I was scoffing at them on the inside, “well neither of you have any grasp of business casual”. In retrospect I should have been having a meltdown. They say let’s go, and I follow them out of the office doors.

We get into the parking lot. I’m confused. Herpina wanders off to her car and Derpina is running to hers going, “Let’s go! Hop in!” Hop in? I ask if I should drive, she says, “That’s silly!” and I take her word for it. At this point my initial anxiety, mixed with the anxiety that the brainwashing WORKHEREWORKHERE video added I’m closing in on my maximum. Full blown panic is just waiting for its turn to surface. I get in the car –all I’m thinking about is how I am in the car of a strange girl and I don’t know where she’s taking me. Right off the bat I can tell I don’t like her and she’s one of those people who won’t like me either. She is overtly arrogant, scantily dressed and talks like a baby. Before pulling out of the parking lot she tells me where we’re going. We’re going to a CVS in I’MNOTTELLINGYOUWHATTOWN. WHATTOWN, is about ten minutes from where I live. I’m confused as to how an event can be held at a CVS but I don’t have time to think about it because we merge onto the expressway and I am clinging to the armrest out of fear. My Mom used to tell me when I was younger not to get into cars with strangers. As a kid I assumed it was because they would drive me to a field and chop me up into pieces. As an adult of course it means what I previously stated, but it also means that you should not get into a strangers car because their driving could kill you just as easily. I don’t remember anything she said to me in that car because I was concentrating too hard on not screaming and attempting to induce my hidden telepathic powers in order push the cars in front of us out of the way.

We get to CVS. (If you’re confused a CVS is a pharmacy/convenient store, think RiteAid) I’m standing there shifting in my polyester pants watching this chick pull a folding table out of her trunk. (Of course I’m not going to help…) She sets it up at the CVS entrance. WHAT!? She lays water bottles, Frisbees and picture books on the table in no particular fashion. It looked like someone threw up bootleg D.A.R.E. products all over a folding table. Bootleg? Yeah, I’m not an idiot, the D.A.R.E. colors are red, white and black – I know this because I’m a satirical bastard. Occasionally in college I would done a D.A.R.E. t-shirt and people would laugh. Now I don’t know for sure that they are ripping off the D.A.R.E. Foundation but regardless, it’s at that exact moment that my predicament became clear…..

These chicks are going to make me stand in front of CVS and harass unsuspecting CVS patrons. I should also mention that the “second interview/ “training shift” was something like 10 am – 6 pm, I wasn’t getting paid, it is the beginning of June, the high for the day was 96 degrees and I’m wearing a polyester suit-esque outfit, and rocking a pair heels. I didn’t think I owed anything to these girls so I kind of stood in the background and watched. I looked like an idiot – two girls using their tits to lure men into “donating” to their cause while I stand there looking like their sans-sunglasses-not-so-strong bodyguard?

It gets blurry from here but I remember a distinct disdain towards Derpina.. When she went inside of CVS I tried to interrogate Herpina about how much money she makes, what she thought of the job, what she thought of Derpina but it she wouldn’t budge. Apparently all the questions I asked they were ordered specifically not to answer. Oh Really!? Eventually I got her to open up about salary, not in  numbers but how the pay scale etc. worked. It was very brief and extremely vague but I pulled something out of it, a switch flipped on in my brain – a conclusion, PYRAMID SCHEME. Big fat exasperated, “Fabulous, No wonder why this sucks so bad….idiot”. The very business model I scoffed at (and most people will) had ‘got me’. Dammit, I thought.

It was obvious to me that Herpina was intimdated by Derpina, so much that she wouldn’t open up to me in confidence. Granted we had just met but her job is to stand in front of convenient stores and annoy people – so really what was she afraid to lose? I told her, “Be honest, there’s no way you can enjoy this!?” She shrugged and said the schedule was awesome. Derpina was behind me wasn’t she? Yes she was.

I believe it was about 1 pm when I decided that unprofessional (really don’t know why I cared) or not I was smoking a cigarette. One drag and my mind cleared (pathetic, ah the life of an addict) I am not standing here and participating in this bullshit job for one more minute. I am done. One little snag – I don’t have my car. I call my Dad. He answered enthusiastically something along the lines of “How’s it going!?!” His tone implied he was waiting for me to start rambling off about all of the lovely responsibilities I was given and the cool things I was doing.  Instead I couldn’t say anything. The only thing that came out was, “Daddy” in that crackling, ugh-do-I-really-sound-like-that, crying voice. I was so frustrated/angry/pissed off at the day that I lost it. Of course he freaks (if you’re 21 year old daughter calls you up crying you best believe it’s for a reason) and I finally compose myself to explain what the hell is going on. His response? Hysterical laughter. What the hell? He apologizes and explains to me that he would love to pick me up but he’s not even on Long Island. My heart sinks. I am ten minutes from my home, 35 minutes from my car; my parents are not on the island I am stuck, thighs chaffing agaisnt my suit pants, heckling CVS patrons.

I run through a list of my friends in my head; it’s the middle of the work day, no one is around-I’m still stuck. Great. A Pepsi truck rolls up and the delivery man gets out. He is repulsive; his facial hair is unkempt, his supposed to be blue hat is black, his uniform is wearing him instead of the other way around and he is beyond sweaty. Derpina runs up to him and does her little spiel about crack babies and sad stuff. He doesn’t buy it. Then she shakes her boobs in his face and says, “Would a hug change your mind?” Well, yes, yes it would…Who knew!? That was the last straw. About an hour had gone by since I called my Dad –

Gratefully I have a wonderful best friend, I called him just to complain but by the graces of the job gods he had gotten out of work earlier than expected. I explained what I was dealing with and instead of laughing at me he was so appalled that before I could ask for a ride, he was offering one. I decide I’m not telling Herpina and Derpina that I’m out and that they can suck it until he shows up. I kept my distance from them.  I’m not very good at keeping what I’m feeling from showing up on my face. Derpina caught on. She kept pushing, “What’s the matter”, “Are you ok?” and then I snapped. I laughed in her face (not rudely, just a snicker) and I told her my ride was on its way. She looked in the eye with a sneer and said, “Yeah I figured, you didn’t seem up for it – some people just aren’t meant for this job”. She said it with such arrogance that it took every fiber of being not to go off on her. Not cut out for the job? Anybody could do this job, but who the fuck would want to?

 

Best friend showed up, I hopped into the car thanking him. His window was down and Derpina threw half of her body through the open window. Her head, D-Cups and arms were basically sitting on best friend’s lap. The verbal exchange has escaped me but I do remember that she was obnoxious and persistent. How do I remember she was persistent? Somehow in order to get her out of the car she convinced that I would just have to “donate”. I wound up purchasing a water bottle. I handed her three dollars and she walked to go get my item. We drove away instead, as we were leaving the parking lot she’s screaming about we forgot the water bottle I just purchased, best friend is screaming obscenities at her and I screaming “keep it”.

He had to drive me ½ hour in the opposite direction of our houses so I could get my car. Then I had to drive another 45 minutes back. Thankfully by the time I got home I was already looking back and laughing.

A couple of months later I received an e-mail from the same company. They had said they had found my interview on careerbuilder.com or monster.com and wanted me to come in for an interview. I wrote them a very long response explaining this very story to them. It wasn’t very nice. I’ve been searching through my e-mail for the correspondence but I’ve had no luck so far. If I find it, I am definitely posting it.

I guess the point of writing this is; if you feel like something is weird, it’s probably weird. If it’s a job offer/interview that seems off, it’s probably off (Pyramid scheme, Vector Marketing)

TL;DR Landed an interview with a “promotional event company”. After the first interview I was really uneasy about the company, the job…something just didn’t feel right. I convinced myself to go  to the second interview/to “shadow” current employees in order to avoid a “what if I had…” inner-conflict. I was completely duped (company is, in a nutshell, a pyramid scheme) and wound up harassing people to buy crap they don’t need to help promote the D.A.R.E. program (I’m still convinced there is no affiliation between D.A.R.E. and whatever the heck I was doing) in front of a CVS while wearing a suit on one of the hottest days of summer. No matter how desperate you are, always trust your instincts.

The Kiss Hello; Are You Uncomfortable??? Yes.

My Mom’s side of the family is huge. When you walk into any family gathering there’s this unspoken obligation to go around the room and cheek to cheek air kiss people, “hello”. From what I’ve gathered it’s all about respect. Personally I think it’s pointless, time consuming and extremely uncomfortable. Why is a nod of acknowledgment a wave or to top them all; a  hearty hello, with a wave, a nod and a giant grin still not sufficient? It’s so awkward…

Stock Photo - IDK who these freaks are.

It never goes smoothly – before you attempt to cheek to cheek Kiss Hello there are so many things that you have to take into account…and you only have a split second. Do you actually press your cheeks together or just hover in real closely? Do you literally kiss the person on the cheek? Do you make a kissing sound to provide validation to the receiving person or do you just touch your cheek to theirs? Do you do a variation of cheek kissing and then go in for the one arm hug or a two arm hug – or no hug? Too much for me to take into consideration.

And then the other big one – WHO TO KISS, WHO NOT TO KISS?!

Sometimes when I go to family functions in the midst of people that I’m related to/known for years, there are people I don’t know so well/have no idea who they are. So, on top of the uncomfortable cheek kiss hello now I have to make a snap decision concerning somebody elses’ awkwardness. I have to consider the possibility of creating uncomfortableness that is going to encase this often stranger. Honestly, I don’t think there’s a way around it because you really only have two options, and the stranger seems to “lose” in both scenarios:

1. kiss them too; this may freak them the hell out, in their heads they’re thinking, “Who the hell is this person and why are they kissing me on the cheek when she could have just acknowledge me with a nod!?”

OR

2. kiss everyone but them, and then in their heads they’re thinking, “What the hell she’s kissed everyone but me, show a little respect you god damn Generation-Y bastard.” I normally opt for this option because I care more about myself feeling un-freakish as opposed to showering every person older than me with respect.

I don’t know if this is protocol for families other than mine – but what about this scenario: you’re already at your destination, you’re sitting down in the middle of a conversation when someone else arrives. I think I should pause my conversation but stay seated and say, “Hi”. WRONG. In my family this is considered blasphemy. I’m supposed to stop my conversation, stand (most likely wait in a line of 4 to 5 people) and then kiss the newly entered party “hello”. WHAT, but WHY?! It’s this silly respect thing. I already respect these people, I’m going to converse with them throughout my visit so why do I have to pretend that the Queen has arrived?

Of course there’s the dreaded “Goodbye” kiss. It’s pretty much the same as the “Hello” except it goes a little faster. With every “Hello kiss” comes twenty seconds of pointless conversation; Hellooooo I have to go kiss everyone because of this nonverbal obligation to exude respect to all parties presents so will you please excuse me – if we’re close enough we’ll wind up having a mid-size to lengthy conversation, anyway.

The Goodbye Kiss is rapid, at least the way I do it. It’s less awkward because you know that you’ll be shooting out the door and on your way to all the personal space you could possibly dream about. Before I Goodbye Kiss I’ll survey the remaining faces – picking and choosing who shall be worthy of my cheek. Strangers BEWARE, I will surely act as if you do not exist. If I’m feeling ballsy, more so if my mother is staying the night, I’ll just kiss her goodbye and shout “See ya everybody”. I say when she’s staying the night because this means that when we get into the car nobody will yell at me for being rude.

I’m not even going to tackle friends kissing friends – WHY SO FORMAL? WE”RE FRIENDS.

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Facebook made me a Loser

Last night I deactivated my Facebook. I wasn’t strong enough to delete the entire thing – so I just deactivated.

BUT WHY?!?!?!

Because Facebook made me a loser. I have a job that allows me to Facebook in between doing tangible work. Another part of my job is browsing around the internet looking for awesome techie/nerdy things to write about. (I write a technology blog on behalf of my company) In the process I always find awesome/cool/funny/gross/news breaking – videos/blogs/pictures. So after I watch or look at those things I’m typically left laughing by myself at a computer screen.

For INSTANCE; Bad Mom Dances With Kids

SOLUTION?!?

Post it to Facebook and share it with 600 of my closest friends. (I delete people everyday, and I have like 30 friends all together [high school, college & family; Only only talk to about 8 on a daily basis, haha] who the hell are the other 570?!? )

I’m not going to lie, my excessive status updates were starting to bother me, I could only imagine what other people thought.    I work at an internet marketing firm, therefore I’ve been learning a lot on targeting customers blah blah. Along the way I learned how Facebook creates user’s “Top New/ Recent News”. And that’s when I realized I’m probably blasted all over half strangers news feed.

THE KICKER

Yesterday I was at the mall and I ran into an acquaintance from college. It’s your typical I could care less conversation.  My job comes up, and I say something concerning my excessive Facebooking and then acquaintance dropped the bomb on me. He had “hid” me because I “kept sending him stuff”. And ya know what? I got defensive and said something like, “well ya know sweetheart, I wasn’t sending YOU stuff and then something witty”. I forgot the something witty part. Probably because I started to have an emotional internet breakdown in my head.

Little side note: I’m not one of those girls that throws around the words “hun”, “sweetheart”, “Babe” (unless it’s beb) or “darling” (unless it’s dahhhhhling). I actually feel extremely uncomfortable having those common use pet names come out of my mouth – unless, I’m trying to condescend you into hell.

I left the store and I felt like crap; OMG I’VE BEEN HID. The fact that I even cared scared me. WHY DID I CARE? I felt like a lunatic. Really, Jenna?! You’re at an emotional upset because someone hid you from their Facebook news feed? REALLY?!? Literally a “Wait, What!?!” situation – except I’m the awkward situation and person experiencing it at the same time. I felt the only solution was to deactivate my Facebook for a little while, sort of self induced internet rehab.

I’m just kind of disappointed because it’s a great place to get traffic for my blog, and I like it when random people come up to me while I’m being a normal person (ya know, living) and go, “OMG JENNA YOU”RE SO FUNNY YOUR BLOG HAS ME LMFAO jfiaewojfJI)UFJE(*F”.

…technically that’s only happened once so far, and they didn’t actually tell me; I came up in conversation and they told my friend who told me…BUT WHATEVER.

So I’ll leave you with some fun crap I found on the internet today…and all my former Facebook friends/non-friends (who knows at this point) can suck it.

Oh….ya know, I should have looked at my number of friends on Facebook two weeks ago, and then monitored if my friend count went up or down. DAMN

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Patronizing Female Seeks Readers – 22

I’m a college graduate. I did an internship that was exhausting, and sucked up most of my savings. Thank you internship for working me as a slave, having no funds to hire me and paying me solely in experience that, with time, runs dry. So now, I work for Daddy, and look for jobs in between customers. Ideal, isn’t it?

My job gets boring. I sit by myself, with a television, maybe some brain-cell ruining tabloids and the internet. Thankfully the internet has become the world’s number one resource for job hunting. So I spend half my day sending out my resume and cover letter, and cover letter and resume and resume and cover letter. Although it takes practically no effort, for me it’s an anxiety ridden process. To kill time in-between unemployment heart attacks I started poking around in the Craigslist.com personal ads. Here are some examples and a few of my own thoughts, which you can laugh at, or hate on, either way you’re still reading. Craigslist is set up by date, with postings portrayed by headlines first. Personal ads are basically self promotions. Here are a couple of my recent favorites…

Men Searching for Women

“Looking for my future ex wife – 28”; Besides the fact that this headline is generally distasteful, we can all bet a lot of money that he’s never even been a relationship. And if he has, this headline is why he is single.

“WEL HUNG BLACK MAN FOR WHITE WOMAN – 32”; Rumors that black man have bigger penises than white men have been running rampant since forever. Obviously it’s the head on your shoulders that’s not attracting the ladies.

“Miss having a girl in my life – 22”; Being desperate doesn’t work in person. If anybody actually responds to this dudes ad and throws him a pity party, than they belong together.

“GREAT FOOT MASSAGE BY HANDSOME, SANE M…PLEASE B 4 REAL!! – 40”; SERIOUSLY?!?!? If you are announcing in your headline that you are sane, it’s more than likely that you are not.

“tons of bud light! Ladies free beer! – 47”; Someone call “To Catch a Predator”…quickly.

“All women on CL are fake—prove me wrong!!! – 53”; I’m jumping on that bandwagon. Let’s go ladies?

Besides the headlines being some of the funniest things I have ever read. The bodies of these ads are even more spectacular, pure gems. If you’re ever bored, I suggest you peruse a couple. The majority of them are pathetic ramblings from lonely dudes, who don’t think to use spell check or punctuation. Be warned, when you get to the posts that have pictures attached, if you don’t run into a photo that is stock/generic like a clip-art rose, or beach scene it’s, without a doubt, going to be an unsightly view of their junk.

WOMEN SEARCHING FOR MEN

“J.Lo booty with a heart of gold – w4m – 22”; Good thing the body of her ad talks about how she only wants NSA (no strings attached) sex and to have fun…because that’s all she’s going to get.

“Did you right ma nayme on tha overpass? SWF – W4M – 25”;What does this mean??? Honestly this whole ad is too good, and too confusing not to post the whole thing. If someone can translate this for me, I’d love to know what the hell she is actually asking for.
“Hi I’m slim, petite and very highly sexed in a loving cuckold relationship with my partner Mark. I am seeking a special friend for longer term sexual friendship, someone who is comfy with the idea of me cuckolding mark. Looking for a genuine fun loving guy, preferably who can me in front of my partner, but not essential. Seeking a genuine guy who wants to be my main source of fun, who is prepared to on occasions stay with me at my partners. “

“Hot pussy girl – w4m – 27”; I think she got her point across.

“Neglected, Pregnant and extremely – w4m – 28”; UM, this one scares me. I’m sorry unborn child.

I’d love to see more awesome Craigs List personal ads. Post your best finds in the comment box.


*Just a little disclaimer, I wrote this a while ago. I have a job-job now.

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