Can’t You Tell I’m a Pseudo-Hippie?

I went to see Rebelution and Umphrey’s Mcgee last night.

Theatre at Westbury...rotating stage=sex.

The crowd was exactly what I expected – minus the creepy fat old Italian men who set up a nitrous balloon stand right next to my car. It reminded me of college, of my friends and the good music that was a consistent catalyst to fun, singing, dancing, raging…all around good times.

After Rebelution was done I stepped out for a cigarette. (I don’t judge you, so don’t judge me ;p ) On my way back in my friend and I encountered this dude…he looked like this chick minus the arm warmers?:

He was a your typical Long Island guy. My friend and I are just your averagely dressed people. Anyway this dude strolls up to us and loudly aka yelling-ly states, “What the f*#@ is with all these hippies. They hear this music and think oh lets go well – ya know – know what all these hippies are just loser –  f*#@!n loser tool bags.”

I tried to tell him that he was actually the tool bag – but he defintely didn’t hear me. He seemed to be one of those arrogant dudes who would have gone at war with me if he did. Guidos hate me, it’s a fact.

Urban dictionary’s definition of tool bag: “Someone who thinks of themselves as a higher and more important being.” —> Interesting, Mr. Guido – seems you’ve found yourself in a predicament – judging sects of people and believing you are above the rest actually makes you a tool bag,  not that we couldn’t tell from the v-neck or the hat.

Anyway – this post is just to thank “hippies” for being hippies. Thanks for being my friends, introducing me to awesome music, making me (Dad), oozing optimism and open-mindedness, introducing me to the beauty of nature,  not judging based on appearance or smell and for throwing some of the sickest parties I have ever been to.

And now watch this video of an old/great friend of mine and pee your pants. I like to call it An Ode to Long Island Mothers.

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We’re Obsessed?

In my WordPress dashboard I can monitor the search terms that gets people to my blog. As much as I know and recognize that Facebook made me a loser it still pulls my heart strings in the wrong direction when I log on and see “Facebook Losers” has been searched in Google and they have trafficked to my blog. Ouch – but I’ll be fine, don’t you worry.

Anyway, to the point of the post. Celebrities. I’m not going to lie, I keep up on my tabloid news fodder. I started off reading Star just so I could get to the lengthy crossword puzzle in the back and then it escalated from just skipping through pictures to reading the articles bullshit.

My Idol<333

I don’t care that Lindsay Lohan is scared to be in jail because she’s claustrophobic, that Snooki got rid of her poof or if Mel Gibson is a raging lunatic. (Although after seeing for the Passion of the Christ my subconscious Jew loyalty boycotted any movie he was in/produced from then on). And yet if I don’t care why the hell do I continuously read TMZ.com, Gawker.com and obsess over DListed.com ??? (the guy who writes Dlisted.com is a comedic freakin genius…someone give this guy his own television talk show….I’d compare him to a gay man version of Chelsea Handler… actually, come to think of it, that pretty much describes Chelsea Handler)

My favorite Anti-Semite ❤

For me it’s like watching an accident. It’s just so ridiculously horrible that you can’t look away. The more bloody, unusual and heinous the longer you…err well the longer I stare. Because even when I read the tabs, I skip over the “good” stories and read only the train wrecks. Perfect Body? No thank you, I have ten pounds to lose. Happily Married? Don’t care, I’m still single. New Movie? Psh I haven’t even gotten my ideal career path on track yet. On the oh-so-delightful-other hand; Drug Addiction? Let’s hope it’s meth, everybody looks like a zombie on meth. Nasty Divorce? Haha, not actually the perfect couple you’re portrayed to be…how does it feel to be normal? Daddy Issues? Yes! Please make your therapy sessions public information, thank you.

Can you imagine being in the tabloids? Your whole life plastered around the world for strangers to gawk at and judge. And yet many people, including myself wouldn’t mind a stab at fame.

Muh Gurl Snooks

I think that there should be a common folk tabloid that’s sent to celebrities. It should be called Un-Famous, Homo-sapiens Digest or Real Life. Articles would be centered around our mothers clipping coupons,ARE THEY IN A FINANCIAL SINK HOLE?, sisters arguing about missing clothes, MISSING SUNDRESS: THIS MEANS WAR and friends gathering to hang out, JENNA AND HER FRIENDS HAVE A PARTY: MAYHEM ENSUES.

As boring as being normal is I’m sure even the regular person’s tabloid writers would find creative ways to take our ordinary lives out of context:

Jenna catches rays on the luscious beaches of Davis Park, NY with a friend...sources say it's her girlfriend

Jenna Pere was spotted at the Old Spanish Tavern in Oneonta, a close unidentified friend drops a bomb on her

A fight ensues - police refused to comment

This just in...Jenna is actually a vampire.

Add your own tabloid photos & captions to my Facebook Fan Page – If I get enough responses my next request will become a contest – prize included 😉

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Videotaping Yourself Dancing is Awkward

Watching myself on videotape makes me feel uncomfortable.

Watching somebody else videotape themselves is also uncomfortable.

Watching someone videotape themslves dancing is EXTREMELY uncomfortable.

Thinking about what the person videotaping themselves dancing is thinking before actually videotaping themselves  is DEATHLY uncomfortable.

Wondering why the person who decided to video tape themselves dancing posted the video on YouTube is MIND BOGGLING.

Even though these videos are uncomfortable and confusing, the comic relief that they provide is unimaginable. Here are some favorites that I found today while perusing the internet:

Does anybody else think it looks like she’s in a Star Trek uniform?

This guy is just amazing

And I’ll leave with one last weird one…

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Writing a Blog is Hard

Writing a blog is really hard. I’m doing this because I want to – but it’s still just as difficult.  The blog process is interesting – the posts which were written practically by accident, were the funniest, drew the most reads, the most comments and the best feedback. The posts that I planned out, well, they were better off not existing. The funny part about this; it mirrors my life, concerning humor.

I’m a funny person; I can think of jokes off the top of my head, I can do a decent impression I can think of more than 10 times when there’s been a crowd around me laughing. What I can’t do? “Jenna, be funny..now.” Seriously? Seriously, seriously? It’s just not possible. Asking me to be funny on the spot to me, feels like my body being set on fire. I don’t get uncomfortable often but ask me to funny and watch the awkwardness flow.

So what I’m saying is – writing a post I’ve planned on writing feels & turns out the same as someone asking me on the spot to “be funny”.

Comment with brainstorms for me: what are your pet peeves? What are you scared of? What are yuor favorite websites to read? Hear any bizarre stories lately?


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More Awkward Craigs List Personal Ads

A couple of months ago I wrote a blog about Craigs List personal ads. It got a lot of attention and was just as hilarious for me to write as it was for you to read. So here are some more winners…

Men Seeking Women…

crotch buffet – 44

Perfect…click

Generous gentleman seeks sexy student… – 45

He’s 45 and looking for a student. I hope he means a Mom who went back to school to get a degree in order to get out of the house. And he loves people who have debt. The only words in his ad are “with a few too many bills”. Hey, 20 somethings females without morals, this may be a good way to take care of student loans.

DR LOVE-LOOKING FOR LONELY-HORNY LADY ON THE WEEKENDS -150 ROSE$ – 39

I’m just going to ignore all of the caps and just say – who the hell is going to have sex for 150 roses. WTF are you going to do for 150 Roses? Just because females like flowers doesn’t mean their going to have random sex with you for a bouquet. I guess he realzies this because in his ad he says that you f you wanted you could have could have perfume istead of flowers.

*Boyfriends on the other hand- get her flowers for no reason and SCORE.

Soccer Moms are you In need of###### – 43

Credit to this guy, # = pound. HAHAHA!!

Women Seeking Men…

are there any men out there not trying to F*** me over? – 35

Yeah lady, definitely going to bag yourself a good one. Next time try making your headline more pathetic and whiny.

loves wine – 23

Alcoholic.

Hot date at Denny’s? – 30

Denny’s where the ambiance oozes romance<333

Fiona seeks Shrek – 58 –

Her headline is exactly why she is single to begin with;  she’s sitting at home watching kids movies with her cats, crying. The ad is pathetically adorable, she tries really hard to be funny.

My search for hilarity was cut short….I apologize for the lack of content but it’s not my fault. ..it’s Craigs List. There was barely any good ones – and the W4M section? Basically empty, only 200 posts.  I’m going to end this by saying: I am shocked at the number of people willing to pay money…not to be spanked, but to spank someone else.

Have a great Friday

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The Kiss Hello; Are You Uncomfortable??? Yes.

My Mom’s side of the family is huge. When you walk into any family gathering there’s this unspoken obligation to go around the room and cheek to cheek air kiss people, “hello”. From what I’ve gathered it’s all about respect. Personally I think it’s pointless, time consuming and extremely uncomfortable. Why is a nod of acknowledgment a wave or to top them all; a  hearty hello, with a wave, a nod and a giant grin still not sufficient? It’s so awkward…

Stock Photo - IDK who these freaks are.

It never goes smoothly – before you attempt to cheek to cheek Kiss Hello there are so many things that you have to take into account…and you only have a split second. Do you actually press your cheeks together or just hover in real closely? Do you literally kiss the person on the cheek? Do you make a kissing sound to provide validation to the receiving person or do you just touch your cheek to theirs? Do you do a variation of cheek kissing and then go in for the one arm hug or a two arm hug – or no hug? Too much for me to take into consideration.

And then the other big one – WHO TO KISS, WHO NOT TO KISS?!

Sometimes when I go to family functions in the midst of people that I’m related to/known for years, there are people I don’t know so well/have no idea who they are. So, on top of the uncomfortable cheek kiss hello now I have to make a snap decision concerning somebody elses’ awkwardness. I have to consider the possibility of creating uncomfortableness that is going to encase this often stranger. Honestly, I don’t think there’s a way around it because you really only have two options, and the stranger seems to “lose” in both scenarios:

1. kiss them too; this may freak them the hell out, in their heads they’re thinking, “Who the hell is this person and why are they kissing me on the cheek when she could have just acknowledge me with a nod!?”

OR

2. kiss everyone but them, and then in their heads they’re thinking, “What the hell she’s kissed everyone but me, show a little respect you god damn Generation-Y bastard.” I normally opt for this option because I care more about myself feeling un-freakish as opposed to showering every person older than me with respect.

I don’t know if this is protocol for families other than mine – but what about this scenario: you’re already at your destination, you’re sitting down in the middle of a conversation when someone else arrives. I think I should pause my conversation but stay seated and say, “Hi”. WRONG. In my family this is considered blasphemy. I’m supposed to stop my conversation, stand (most likely wait in a line of 4 to 5 people) and then kiss the newly entered party “hello”. WHAT, but WHY?! It’s this silly respect thing. I already respect these people, I’m going to converse with them throughout my visit so why do I have to pretend that the Queen has arrived?

Of course there’s the dreaded “Goodbye” kiss. It’s pretty much the same as the “Hello” except it goes a little faster. With every “Hello kiss” comes twenty seconds of pointless conversation; Hellooooo I have to go kiss everyone because of this nonverbal obligation to exude respect to all parties presents so will you please excuse me – if we’re close enough we’ll wind up having a mid-size to lengthy conversation, anyway.

The Goodbye Kiss is rapid, at least the way I do it. It’s less awkward because you know that you’ll be shooting out the door and on your way to all the personal space you could possibly dream about. Before I Goodbye Kiss I’ll survey the remaining faces – picking and choosing who shall be worthy of my cheek. Strangers BEWARE, I will surely act as if you do not exist. If I’m feeling ballsy, more so if my mother is staying the night, I’ll just kiss her goodbye and shout “See ya everybody”. I say when she’s staying the night because this means that when we get into the car nobody will yell at me for being rude.

I’m not even going to tackle friends kissing friends – WHY SO FORMAL? WE”RE FRIENDS.

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PassiveAggressiveNotes.com

I am obsessed with passiveaggressivenotes.com even if I am against passive aggressive notes.

Example from PassiveAggressiveNotes.com

Another Example from PassiveAggressiveNotes.com

I’m a tad hypocritical. My sophomore year I lived in a quad; there were two double rooms which shared a common room. My roommate and I were friends previously, but thanks to a stupid mistake during rooming assignments (I never clicked submit) our two other friends who were supposed to occupy the other double, couldn’t. Therefore we got stuck with two strangers.

These two girls were nice enough, but they were disgusting. One of them was goth and the other thought that being Puerto Rican allowed you to talk around with an air of self-entitlement. (Chick stole a shirt from me too – which I bought for my grandfather’s funeral. Turns out even though I went to school four hours from home, she lived in the town next to me. She promised to put it in my mailbox. NOT – girl blocked me from every social network possible and refused to answer my texts/calls….this is a five year old incident, I am not over it.)

Well I went on a tangent – ANYWAY…these two girls were slobs. Their room smelled worse than ferrets that hadn’t bathed in 4 months. They never used our common room but they liked to use the common room garbage. Their room was always a mess; garbage all over the floor, clothes everywhere, things that were unidentifiable…. [SUBLIMINAL MESSAGE: LIKE ME ON FACEBOOK] So instead of cleaning or emptying their garbage they would use the common room garbage, to make it worse they’d dispose of food in it.  Guess where the garbage was?!?!? Right next to our double’s door. FANTASTIC, let me tell you, waking up to the smell of rancid cold cuts = ORGASMS. Seriously, I’m not the neatest person – but I never let things get smelly. I never let mugs of stuff sit around to grow mold…

So what did I do? I drew a picture of a stinky garage can with a note that said “If the garbage is overflowing…..”

The Outcome: Either me or my roommate would have to take out the garbage. Hence the reason I had passive aggressive notes, they don’t work. So you may as well just say something because it’s most likely not going to get resolved anyway; so what’s a little confrontation?! And maybe it’ll make you feel better to see the look on their face while you ream into them – think about about much better that sounds that imaging their face when they get your hate note. (FYI – what your imagining is most likely the exact opposite of what is happening)

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Falling in Love on TV is Awkward

Going on TV to fall in love is all ridiculous. I understand Rock of Love and Double Shot with Tila Crackwhore, oops, I mean Tequila – because those people are semi-famous; so you’re bound to get your C-List career off to a great start. I do not understand the draw to be on The Bachelor or the Bachelorette, it has to be a huge publicity stunt.

There’s nothing special about any of The Bachelors or Bachelorettes. So why would any human being…never mind I just realized – PUBLICITY. Personally, I feel bad for the guys who don’t get any face time. They just wasted precious moments of their lives instead of working, spending time with their families or finding love in a more normal fashion. Anyway, these Bachelors & Bachelorettes, they’re just normal people; maybe they’re ultra good-looking but from what I’ve seen on TV they’re personalities really don’t impress me much.  But, Jenna, What if they really want to meet Jake/Ally and have a chance with falling in love? Shut up.

GAG ME WITH A SPOON

Reality TV is telling me that hundreds of guys watched the last season of The Bachelor? (What guys watch The Bachelor?!) And then on top of that they were so compelled by her good looks and sparkling personality that they just had to try out for a chance to vie for love on national television on a ridiculous realty fall in love show? You’ve got to be kidding me. Who even watches The Bachelor & Bachelorette besides the ladies from The View and the writers from The Soup? There’s no way I believe that hordes of men are tuning in every Tuesday night to watch that crap, let alone dream that one of those girls could one day be theirs.

AND THEN THEY’RE CAST – There also has to be something seriously wrong with these dudes.  They’re all living together, talking about their feelings to each other and the producers/confessionals? I don’t believe it, I’m calling B.S. –These guys ALL have to be actors. I don’t know one male who would be able to withstand any of that.  PLUS – at the end, if you win, you get engaged. WTF!? They’re filming for tops 6 months…who gets engaged after 6 months except crazy people?

They're eithe rlosers in real life or actors

Anyway, the reason I’m even wasting my time writing this post is because last night at the gym I caught a glimpse of The Bachelorette. Literally I didn’t have headphones so I was just staring at a TV playing The Bachelorette. After a while I really wanted to know what was going on because the blonde girl, the Bachelorette, Ally or something was all mad and running around like a crazy person. Thanks to gawker.com I now understand why the Bachelorette was so pissed.  One of her “boyfriends” was only on her show to be famous and actually had a real life girlfriend back in Canada where he is from. Call the WAAA-mbulance; no one cares.

This could work out for the guy. I think it can go two ways.

Way #1: All negative.

The only press he’ll get is from Page Six of the New York Post or Good Morning America during Kathy Lee’s segment; where they’ll make him come off as a chauvinistic cave man and then no one will ask about him again.

Way #2: He’ll be smart

If he’s smart concerning the television situation he just got himself into he’ll do some sort of expose. He should tell the public how the Bachelorette is filmed, the dirty laundry of the other guys on set, make an appearance on The Soup making fun of himself, interview with every tabloid he can find etc. I think if  he does all this, maybe he can even get bumped up the the B List.

Little side note: Went to a bar last Friday and saw a dude from MTV’s Tool Academy. His name is Angelo, he’s known as ‘Ripped Tool’. He’s not on any list. No one knew he was there, and no one cared. I didn’t realize I knew him from TV until we were about to leave, and then against my friends wishes I screamed in his direction “You were on TV, on Tough Love.” He probably felt really stupid, I on the other hand felt vindicated, I had figured out why I recognized this stranger…sort of.


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The Boardy Barn

I was a Boardy Barn virgin until last year. It’s the most disgusting yet fun place on earth. The Boardy Barn is in Hampton Bays on Long Island in New York.  The party takes place part outside, part under a red and white circus tent and part inside.

This year’s first visit to the barn was at on Memorial Day weekend. The line was insanely long but thankfully a few of my best friends are locals. What does that mean? We don’t wait on line, no biggie.

Almost 3/4 of the Boardy Barn Line

This is us walking in…You can see pics from the Boardy Barn on their website. They have an old guy in lawn chair taking pictures as you walk in; the website says he’s called “Big Dave”. He’s not very big, but he does look homeless.

Jackie & I entering the Barn

Our bad ass friend Kasia and some others walking in

The Barn is great. It’s only open Sundays (and the occasional Monday) 4 pm to 8 pm. (12 pm on holidays). All they play is wedding hits like ‘Sweet Carolione’ & ‘Shout’. The whole place sings together and everybody dances…oh and everybody day drinks…heavily.

If you’re a recovering binge drinker do not go to The Barn. This is not a place that you go to sip on a beer in the sun. This is a place where the maximum amount of beers you can get at a time is 20 – and that pisses people off. The beers are $2 – and somehow I know people who have dropped $100 in 3 hours.

Don’t wear nice clothes or shoes. The place is disgusting, which is why it’s so much fun. Get ready to have beer poured all over you, intentionally (don’t get caught) or unintentionally.

Local tradition: If you’re a Boardy Barn virgin, you can’t hold your own beer. This means your friends or strangers will put a beer to your mouth and let it flow into it at whatever speed they like. You can’t drink a beer that fast? Oh well you’re going to get wet. And when the beer is empty the cup is getting crushed on your head.

The floor is cement with holes that fill with beer and people’s sweat. You will never see the holes until after you step in them.

Your shoes will be covered in this cement like goop that hardens after you. I think it’s a mixture of beer and the adhesive from the sticker paper. (Every time you go to the bar for beers the bartender will give you a bunch of stickers). The stickers are the Boardy Barn’s signature happy face hearts with sunglasses. People go nuts for the stickers, they’ll put them everywhere. (On our way to the Barn on Memorial Day we were pointing out Barn goers 1 mile away from the bar because they were covered from head to toe)I’ve got a couple stuck to me in the pic below.

Edited because I was being obscene 😉

If you’re a person who can’t handle being in a crowd, the Barn is not for you. You need to handle the fact that you are going to be stepped on, spilled on, pushed over, elbowed – but it’s all in good fun. And if it’s not the guys in orange are security and they will kick you out – and it will be embarrassing and it will hurt (they’re not very gentle). And they take things really seriously, I almost got kicked out last summer for “arc-ing” my beer. Apparently you can dump beer but you can’t throw it. Don’t take my word for it.

Memorial Day Weekend at the Barn

If you’ve never been to the Boardy Barn you have to go at least once. People take buses, trains, cabs, cars from all over just to experience the mayhem. It’s open rain or shine. (The first time I went it was pouring and it was awesome) It was a really soggy but ridiculously fun party.

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An Awkward Portrayl of Peter Pan

I discovered this guys website when I was in 7th or 8th grade. I’m now a year out of college and he is still….hasn’t grown up?

Meet the real life Peter Pan Man?

How does this man justify dressing up on the reg like Peter Pan? The bias of gender boundaries. I give the guy credit because he wanted to dress up like Peter Pan so much that he created an almost logical theory to support his habits. “this society has all but deified the gender boundaries they’ve established, especially the rules of what boys should and should not enjoy doing. This is why little girls are praised for interest in “boyish” activities, while boys who do the opposite are seldom tolerated. So such a character, by his fairy-like qualities and elfin appearance, represents a literal blaspheme against their ‘god’.”

Regardless at his attempt to justify himself, he still is creepy and makes me feel uncomfortable while crying in a fit of laughter. (FTW Peter Pan Man because that’s hard to do)

An outfit he calls 'Green Cheers'

An outfit he calls 'Green Cheers'

CREEPY

I am 100% buying some of merchandise though.

Pixyland Promos

Don’t worry, Peter Pan the “little boi” isn’t lonely. He recently married his fiance ‘Tink’. They like to dress up together. Is this some sort of sex cult thing?

Peter Pan & Tink <333

Peter Pan & Tink Showing off their legs?

This guy is a jack of all trades. Those costumes that you see? He made them. He designed his own website, and Tink’s, created all of the promotional merchandise AND makes music. Go here to have a listen.

I wonder what this guy does in real life? Does he have a job? Are these two planning on reproducing? I guess people were harassing him with those kinds of questions so he put up pictures of him in everyday wear…ARE YOU KIDDING ME, HAHAHAHAHA.

Green Everyday Wear

Blue Every Day Wear

Summer wear "Pointed Shorts...KEWL"

I don’t really have anything to say except go here and check out the rest of the website and his pictures, there’s a lot of them. There are links to Tink’s website too. (He created it for her, aw-sies)Warning: hilarity ensues. (not on purpose)

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