People Search Weird Things on the Internet

I’ve been hosting my blog on WordPress for a while, no complaints. The ‘Site Stats’ portion of WordPress is amazing, I love it. I can see how many people came to my site, where the were referred from, what post they read, even what they click on. My favorite part has to be the ‘Search Terms’, it shows me what people searched (like, in Google) in order to reach my blog. I always read through them, I’d like to share some of my favorites:

‘how far cvs will slave employee’ -I wrote a post about being near a CVS, I can thankfully say that my blog does not have the answer to that question

‘lindsay lohan looking smelly’ – Every picture she’s in.

‘good morning what would you like’ – So someone is obviously really lonely, or really confused

‘would you like some coffee’ – I’m guessing this is the same person that wrote the question above

‘craigslist “john hug”’ – This one scares me. A hug in the john, or a man who is being hunted down on Craigslist?

‘snookie without clothes’ – Really?

cuddle sesh what does it mean’ – Aw, good luck, buddy.

if i were a polar bear’ – Okay, This is actually the title of a post I’ve written. It wasn’t especially poignant so I doubt it was what they were looking for. So, it begs the question, WHY?

maybe you should gag me’ – No Comment.


There Are Good People….

Now don’t read that title and be put off. I’m not writing this post so that I can ramble into a lecture about good people vs. bad people. I’m simply here to let you know that being thoughtful always comes back around.

I consider myself a thoughtful person. I don’t know if people who know me believe the same, but I’d like to think they do. I remember birthdays, how you like your coffee and all of that mundane crap. Half of it is because I want the person to feel good that they’ve been noticed and the other half is because I’ve been blessed with the trait/flaw of being too observant and find remembering these simple little “things” about people to be second nature. I’m not complaining, I enjoy it. But sometimes when you’re too thoughtful you expect it in return, and that is unconscious human fallibility, so I try not to take it personally.

Recently I was laid off. Don’t worry, I’m fine. I left the company I was working with on good terms and still adore my old co-workers and boss. The reason I was let go was not at all personal, it was purely business. I understand why he needed to let me go and I respect my boss’ decision wholeheartedly. Did I see it coming? Not at all. Was I upset the very moment I was told “We’re going to have to let you go”, Yes.

I am in the process of looking for a new job, but I’m not in a rush. I refuse to settle, also, I believe this will probably be the last time (for a while) where I have a “summer off”. I’m taking my time off as a way to network and awaken the artist within me. (She fell asleep about 2 years ago). *I posted new artwork in the ever-so-appropriate Artwork section of my blog; check it out.

I’ve been pretty open with being a Redditor. I’m not ashamed. Although anyone who is ashamed about their participation within a forum should really reconsider where and what they’re writing. Over the course of a year I made a friend. We’re Facebook friends now too. He’s a cool dude. He’s married to a pretty lady and has a lot of cute dogs and remodels his home on his own. (Beautiful work by the way) Him and I message back and forth about books.

I don’t have many people to talk with about what I read. My friends generally don’t read books that interest me and vice-versa. (I have zero interest in reading the Something Borrowed series, though I may see the movie if I’m dragged to it) So it’s been real nice being able to rip Max Tucker to shreds and to share opinions on the Sedaris’, oh, and their novels too. We have no pattern of communication but when the messages arrive in my inbox I’m excited. I love recommending books to people. I enjoy seeing if they received the same messages or had the same feelings evoked.

During one of our last book bantering exchanges I made a snide remark something like, “I’ll have a lot of free time to read now, I recently was laid off”. Instead of wallowing in pity for me (which everyone I relay that information to does, to which I reply “please, don’t”) he offered to send me some books. He said he would have just dumped at the library when he was finished with them but if I wanted some new material he’d be happy to send them my way. Stoked.I was especially excited because Reddit had it’s first ever Book Swap and unfortunately I had gotten shafted in the deal.

And then I forgot. I got home from the gym today, was just about to sit down with my crossword puzzle and coffee (I swear I’m 23, I just enjoy the same activities that 70 year-olds do) when the door bell rang. It was the mailman – I was waiting for him because I had ordered crossword puzzles and they had taken so long to arrive. (I can’t even type that without gagging at myself) But there was another package. I read the return address and knew immediately. YES.

So what I’m saying here is – there really are good people. There is no reason that my fellow Redditor had to go out of his way to send 5 books across the country, California to New York. No reason at all.  He sent them because he wanted to share these books with someone who would appreciate them. Perhaps it would make me smile because maybe I’m not as okay with not having a job as I present myself to be. (Shameless Plug: Anybody looking for a Marketing Assistant/Account Executive etc???) Either way, it’s something so simple, in my case, a package filled with used books, that can brighten up someones day.

Thanks to Reddit I’ve learned a phrase that really resonated. “Today You, Tomorrow Me”, it’s all Karma, baby!


The Great Derangement by Matt Taibbi

The Mystery Method; How to Get Beautiful Women Into Bed by Mystery

Hello Kitty Must DIE by Angela S. Choi

The Ivory and the Horn by Charles de Lint

Sixty Stories by Donald Barthelme

Event work? More like Pan-handling

Summer of 2009, I had just graduated college. I found a job ad in the newspaper. The job was at a promotional event company. At the time I was looking to get into Public Relations and though it read like a perfect fit. Their website was phenomenal but it wasn’t pathetic so I applied. I received a call and was asked in for an interview. I was stoked. I drove about 45 minutes from home for the interview. I pulled into a “business park”. I found the office quickly because they had a nice sign up over their door. I walked in and was greeted by a secretary. I waited a couple of minutes and was ushered into an office. The office was bleak – no family photos, no papers, no….computer. A big guy walked in, interviewed me (he was nice from what I can remember) and explained that he’d love for me to come in for a second interview.

The job? I was going to be running “promotional events” (in quotes for a reason). These “events” were to help promote and fundraise for the very well-known D.A.R.E. program. I thought that was pretty neat.

I pictured this: the company locks down locations (parks, schools, centers of malls etc.) and sets up a day event. Moms, kids, nosy teens stop buy and we educate them about the program, maybe there is a clown or a face painter and then maybe they’ll want to help support a good cause/educational program by donating. They can donate by: 1. giving money 2. Buying a D.A.R.E. product or 3. Buying a D.A.R.E. product and then donating it back (typically the products were coloring books, picture books, water bottles) that would be handed out at schools or something (who knows, I don’t really).

Ok great – I go out to my car and I call my Dad to tell him how it went. But as I’m sitting there talking to him I’ve got this odd feeling, something isn’t right. I say to my Dad, “I got the second interview, I just don’t know if I want to go back”. This prompts a long drawn out lecture about never giving up. Finally I chime in, “Fine I’ll go but I still don’t know….the room I interviewed in…it didn’t even have a computer.” He goes on to tell me that not having a computer could mean so many different things (this coming from an everything technology junkie does not settle well with me); how I’m lucky to have gotten an interview in this failed economy (yep, 2009 college graduate a.k.a year of the twenty-something shattered dreams), how I can’t pass up the second interview because how would I live with the “what-ifs” and then a list of “what-ifs” are rattled off. Now some people may find “what-ifs” and easy thing to shrug off – I am not one of those people. The “what-ifs” eat me a live. If someone says, “Jenna, I’ve got to tell you something….” And then follows up that statement with a “never mind”  I go crazy inside, like knowing what that something is the only thing that can keep me alive. I digress…

The morning of the second interview I woke up early and made the 45 minute drive, again. I walk into the office but this time I don’t just see the secretary. There’s a wall that faces her desk, it’s lined with chairs, in these chairs? A dozen business-casual dressed (some a little too formal) kids my age. I was kind of amped by this, I thrive off scholarly competition. I check in and sit down next to a girl. She asks me where I found this job, blah blah. I remember thinking she was dumb and that her major had nothing to do with the sort of position I believed I was getting myself in to. All of a sudden, from behind the wall we had our backs to, comes this chanting, actually it was more like cheering. It sounded like a team morale kind of thing, sort of cheesy but I’ve always wanted a work environment that promoted some sort of comradery. That’s when they shut the lights, directed our attention towards a TV in the corner and started a “movie”.

The video explains how the job is awesome, the different avenues of promotion and then an employee trip to Cancun? It was all very passive-aggressive. The anxiety I carried over from the first interview is now heightened. All I can think is “what the hell did I get myself into?” After the movie is over the same man that interviewed me announces to the group that we are going to be splitting up. Each person will go with two “Event Executives” to a scheduled event. You will learn how to work the events and at the end the two “Event Executives” will gauge your performance. If they find that you performed well than they will ask you back and voila! You’re a member of the team and congratulations.

Before I go on let me explain something – it’s the beginning of June. We’re in New York but regardless it’s still hot. I’m wearing black dress pants, a yellow tank top, and over the tank top I have a short sleeved blazer. I am wearing 3 ½-4 inch heels. Not only are my clothes uncomfortable but it’s not an ideal summer outfit either.

My name is called from the list. The man says “Jenna, you’re going to be shadowing with Herpina & Derpina.” I was kind of bummed. I know it was a “job interview” but I’d much rather shadow a guy. Why? Well there’s always the possibility that he’s hot. If the job sucked at least I’d have someone to flirt with. Or better yet maybe he’d think I was hot and make my chances of getting the job even better. Herpina and Derpina come over and introduce themselves to me. They are wearing denim skirts, stare-at-my-cleavage tank tops and Old Navy flip-flops. My inner monologue was judging them so harshly. Funnily enough – I wasn’t thinking “Oh wow if I knew I could dress so casually”…No, I was scoffing at them on the inside, “well neither of you have any grasp of business casual”. In retrospect I should have been having a meltdown. They say let’s go, and I follow them out of the office doors.

We get into the parking lot. I’m confused. Herpina wanders off to her car and Derpina is running to hers going, “Let’s go! Hop in!” Hop in? I ask if I should drive, she says, “That’s silly!” and I take her word for it. At this point my initial anxiety, mixed with the anxiety that the brainwashing WORKHEREWORKHERE video added I’m closing in on my maximum. Full blown panic is just waiting for its turn to surface. I get in the car –all I’m thinking about is how I am in the car of a strange girl and I don’t know where she’s taking me. Right off the bat I can tell I don’t like her and she’s one of those people who won’t like me either. She is overtly arrogant, scantily dressed and talks like a baby. Before pulling out of the parking lot she tells me where we’re going. We’re going to a CVS in I’MNOTTELLINGYOUWHATTOWN. WHATTOWN, is about ten minutes from where I live. I’m confused as to how an event can be held at a CVS but I don’t have time to think about it because we merge onto the expressway and I am clinging to the armrest out of fear. My Mom used to tell me when I was younger not to get into cars with strangers. As a kid I assumed it was because they would drive me to a field and chop me up into pieces. As an adult of course it means what I previously stated, but it also means that you should not get into a strangers car because their driving could kill you just as easily. I don’t remember anything she said to me in that car because I was concentrating too hard on not screaming and attempting to induce my hidden telepathic powers in order push the cars in front of us out of the way.

We get to CVS. (If you’re confused a CVS is a pharmacy/convenient store, think RiteAid) I’m standing there shifting in my polyester pants watching this chick pull a folding table out of her trunk. (Of course I’m not going to help…) She sets it up at the CVS entrance. WHAT!? She lays water bottles, Frisbees and picture books on the table in no particular fashion. It looked like someone threw up bootleg D.A.R.E. products all over a folding table. Bootleg? Yeah, I’m not an idiot, the D.A.R.E. colors are red, white and black – I know this because I’m a satirical bastard. Occasionally in college I would done a D.A.R.E. t-shirt and people would laugh. Now I don’t know for sure that they are ripping off the D.A.R.E. Foundation but regardless, it’s at that exact moment that my predicament became clear…..

These chicks are going to make me stand in front of CVS and harass unsuspecting CVS patrons. I should also mention that the “second interview/ “training shift” was something like 10 am – 6 pm, I wasn’t getting paid, it is the beginning of June, the high for the day was 96 degrees and I’m wearing a polyester suit-esque outfit, and rocking a pair heels. I didn’t think I owed anything to these girls so I kind of stood in the background and watched. I looked like an idiot – two girls using their tits to lure men into “donating” to their cause while I stand there looking like their sans-sunglasses-not-so-strong bodyguard?

It gets blurry from here but I remember a distinct disdain towards Derpina.. When she went inside of CVS I tried to interrogate Herpina about how much money she makes, what she thought of the job, what she thought of Derpina but it she wouldn’t budge. Apparently all the questions I asked they were ordered specifically not to answer. Oh Really!? Eventually I got her to open up about salary, not in  numbers but how the pay scale etc. worked. It was very brief and extremely vague but I pulled something out of it, a switch flipped on in my brain – a conclusion, PYRAMID SCHEME. Big fat exasperated, “Fabulous, No wonder why this sucks so bad….idiot”. The very business model I scoffed at (and most people will) had ‘got me’. Dammit, I thought.

It was obvious to me that Herpina was intimdated by Derpina, so much that she wouldn’t open up to me in confidence. Granted we had just met but her job is to stand in front of convenient stores and annoy people – so really what was she afraid to lose? I told her, “Be honest, there’s no way you can enjoy this!?” She shrugged and said the schedule was awesome. Derpina was behind me wasn’t she? Yes she was.

I believe it was about 1 pm when I decided that unprofessional (really don’t know why I cared) or not I was smoking a cigarette. One drag and my mind cleared (pathetic, ah the life of an addict) I am not standing here and participating in this bullshit job for one more minute. I am done. One little snag – I don’t have my car. I call my Dad. He answered enthusiastically something along the lines of “How’s it going!?!” His tone implied he was waiting for me to start rambling off about all of the lovely responsibilities I was given and the cool things I was doing.  Instead I couldn’t say anything. The only thing that came out was, “Daddy” in that crackling, ugh-do-I-really-sound-like-that, crying voice. I was so frustrated/angry/pissed off at the day that I lost it. Of course he freaks (if you’re 21 year old daughter calls you up crying you best believe it’s for a reason) and I finally compose myself to explain what the hell is going on. His response? Hysterical laughter. What the hell? He apologizes and explains to me that he would love to pick me up but he’s not even on Long Island. My heart sinks. I am ten minutes from my home, 35 minutes from my car; my parents are not on the island I am stuck, thighs chaffing agaisnt my suit pants, heckling CVS patrons.

I run through a list of my friends in my head; it’s the middle of the work day, no one is around-I’m still stuck. Great. A Pepsi truck rolls up and the delivery man gets out. He is repulsive; his facial hair is unkempt, his supposed to be blue hat is black, his uniform is wearing him instead of the other way around and he is beyond sweaty. Derpina runs up to him and does her little spiel about crack babies and sad stuff. He doesn’t buy it. Then she shakes her boobs in his face and says, “Would a hug change your mind?” Well, yes, yes it would…Who knew!? That was the last straw. About an hour had gone by since I called my Dad –

Gratefully I have a wonderful best friend, I called him just to complain but by the graces of the job gods he had gotten out of work earlier than expected. I explained what I was dealing with and instead of laughing at me he was so appalled that before I could ask for a ride, he was offering one. I decide I’m not telling Herpina and Derpina that I’m out and that they can suck it until he shows up. I kept my distance from them.  I’m not very good at keeping what I’m feeling from showing up on my face. Derpina caught on. She kept pushing, “What’s the matter”, “Are you ok?” and then I snapped. I laughed in her face (not rudely, just a snicker) and I told her my ride was on its way. She looked in the eye with a sneer and said, “Yeah I figured, you didn’t seem up for it – some people just aren’t meant for this job”. She said it with such arrogance that it took every fiber of being not to go off on her. Not cut out for the job? Anybody could do this job, but who the fuck would want to?


Best friend showed up, I hopped into the car thanking him. His window was down and Derpina threw half of her body through the open window. Her head, D-Cups and arms were basically sitting on best friend’s lap. The verbal exchange has escaped me but I do remember that she was obnoxious and persistent. How do I remember she was persistent? Somehow in order to get her out of the car she convinced that I would just have to “donate”. I wound up purchasing a water bottle. I handed her three dollars and she walked to go get my item. We drove away instead, as we were leaving the parking lot she’s screaming about we forgot the water bottle I just purchased, best friend is screaming obscenities at her and I screaming “keep it”.

He had to drive me ½ hour in the opposite direction of our houses so I could get my car. Then I had to drive another 45 minutes back. Thankfully by the time I got home I was already looking back and laughing.

A couple of months later I received an e-mail from the same company. They had said they had found my interview on or and wanted me to come in for an interview. I wrote them a very long response explaining this very story to them. It wasn’t very nice. I’ve been searching through my e-mail for the correspondence but I’ve had no luck so far. If I find it, I am definitely posting it.

I guess the point of writing this is; if you feel like something is weird, it’s probably weird. If it’s a job offer/interview that seems off, it’s probably off (Pyramid scheme, Vector Marketing)

TL;DR Landed an interview with a “promotional event company”. After the first interview I was really uneasy about the company, the job…something just didn’t feel right. I convinced myself to go  to the second interview/to “shadow” current employees in order to avoid a “what if I had…” inner-conflict. I was completely duped (company is, in a nutshell, a pyramid scheme) and wound up harassing people to buy crap they don’t need to help promote the D.A.R.E. program (I’m still convinced there is no affiliation between D.A.R.E. and whatever the heck I was doing) in front of a CVS while wearing a suit on one of the hottest days of summer. No matter how desperate you are, always trust your instincts.

If only I was a Polar Bear.

There’s no heat in the office today. A radiator is leaking. No heat – none, zil, zip, nil, nothing. I feel like an ice cube with arms and my fingers are icicles…chubby ones; chubby little icicle fingers. I can see my breath. I’m using my jacket as a blanket. My car thermometer said it was 10 degrees on my way to work. I’m cold. No. I’m freezing.

It’s days like these that I wish I were a polar bear or a penguin. If I were a polar bear or a penguin I’d be like “YES, NO HEAT WAHOO – THIS IS MY IDEAL INTERNAL TEMPERATURE, THIS IS GREAT. JUST FANTASTIC. HELLLLOOOO MONDAY!”

But guess what? I’m not a polar bear and I am most certainly not a penguin.

Good Morning, Would You Like Some Coffee?

Every morning I stop at 711 to get a cup of coffee. But Jenna, how come you don’t drink the coffee that is made in the office? Because it tastes like feces and chemically contaminated water. Why? I’m not really sure. I guess it’s the kind of coffee, maybe it’s the water, MAYBE it’s the person who makes it. We’ll never know.

f I get to the coffee counter in 711 and there isn’t another patron in sight, I’m relieved. I can make my coffee the way I want it and at the pace I want to do so. But sometimes I rush. In my head I’ve made it a daily competition; I must finish making my coffee and make sure I beat everyone else in the store to the check-out line. Creating this competition was not a conscious decision, It just happened. If I lose? I’m pissed until I get into my car. It’s irrational and ridiculous but alas, it’s true.

If I walk in and there are already people making coffee…I panic. All of a sudden I turn into a robot – I don’t know what to do with my appendages and my mind starts to race; do I say excuse me? do I reach over? do I wander around 711 until a space at the counter opens? What I choose changes everyday. Though I will not hover, I refuse.

Coffee Counter Hoverers make me panic more than stumbling upon a crowded pour-your-own-coffee-island. They’re always so sneaky too. I walk in, score, the counter is clear. LALALA making my coffee – a little sugar – a little creamer [I like my coffee black 😦 ]  (because, Hello, my name is Jenna and I’m a coffee snob, [for the record I’m OK with this and let’s face it 711 coffee would not win in a knife fight against Starbucks) and then BAM….hoverer.

Before you can glance over your shoulder to see if someones actually there, you already know they are, turning around is unnecessary, you can feel them. They’re so close; you can hear them shifting in their puffy jackets, smacking their parched lips. They’ll do a little two-step dance behind you; right foot, left foot, spin? Maybe they grunt and mutter – whatever they do, my hands start to shake, my heart start beating fast and I start to sweat. I’m thinking, at least not in words, when I panic my thoughts are run-on sentences and untranslatable noises. The result? I get coffee everywhere, I probably knock into the person next to me and spill their freshly poured cup and I fumble with my lid, “Why is this lid not clicking on right? It’s made for this cup, isn’t it!?!? IT FIT YESTERDAY”.

I should start bringing my coffee from home but I always lose the travel mug.

Hand Crafter, Always Original Lamp Shades & Light Fixtures

I went to a friends house and raved about the lamp that they had. I just thought it was so cool. Anyway, it turns out that it was hand crafted and totally unique. I’m all for originality. The company that designs these lamp shades and light fixtures is called ZeeZu Design. What’s cool about it, is that you pick which design you like the best and then it’s made JUST for you. So even though you and your friend order the same one, they’ll be completely different. I think the idea is really neat. Plus the designer uses neat colors and real urban inspiration on the lamps. I’m into the modern style I guess. If you’re interested check it out her; ZeeZu Design.

The only downside is that as of right now they’re only selling the shades and the light fixtures. There’s a note on the website saying that will change – but I guess I should think about it this way, when I get my lamp shade it will be even more unique because I’ll get a kick ass stand and put them together.

I ripped a couple of pictures from the website. I’m sure they won’t mind since I’m paying them homage. Oh and all of the lamps have cool names that are themed around astronomy kind of stuff. It’s neat!


Cherry Strip

Double Cluster

You can also follow upcoming design options by following them on twitter – @ZeZuDesign

V is for Very Odd

Last night on the way to the movies, my two friends and I were in a fit of laughter. About what? It’s a had to be there kind of thing. Well in the middle of our hyena soundtrack my friend who was driving screamlaughs, “LOOK!”. And to our surprise this is what we found:

imageSpotting this dude brought our laughter to a whole other level. Realizing  he’s also listening to murderous rage-y music took it to outerspace. If this instance was a scary movie we’d be screaming or dead, but alas, this is real life, so it was just funny – no blood, guts or gore, just three girls pointing in a masked metal-heads direction laughing like we had just discovered funny.

When I could breathe I asked him, “Are you alone, driving a car with a mask on?” and he told us that his friend was behind him. Then we asked him to lift his mask, which he did – and shockinling his face was not mangled, he did not have a tear drop tattoo underneath his eye or blood caked into his hair. He was a cute kid – prob around twenty. Somebody asked him, “Why are you wearing a mask?” And he looked at us with a face that begged ‘don’t judge me’ and he said so sincerely, “I just like wearing a mask.”

…Life is interesting.

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Scary Movie Must Sees According to Reddit Users

I love scary movies. I asked reddit users to suggest me some flicks to watch. These are the choices so far. I figured I’d share the list just in case some of my readers are into horror just as much as I am.

The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari (Original) (1920)

The Last House on the Left (Original) (1972)

Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark (Made for TV) (1973)

Don’t Look Now (1973)

The Legend of Hell House (1973)

Eraserhead (1976)

Salems’ Lot [Made for TV]  (1976)

Faces of Death (1978) says this one is banned in 46 countries…even better.

The Thing (1982)

The Hitcher (1986)

Dead Calm (1989)

Edge of Sanity (1989)

IT (1990)

Event Horizon (1997)

The Audition (Japanese) (1999)

Frailty (2001)

Session 9 (2001)

August Underground Mordum (2003)

Identity (2003)

A Tale of Two Sisters (2003)

Wrong turn (2003)

Dawn of the Dead (2004)

Neighborhood Watch aka Dead End (2005)

Noroi (Japanese) (2005)

Wolf Creek (2005)

The Room (2007)

The Mist (2007)

The Orphange a.k.a. El Orfanato [Spanish] (2007)

Inside a.k.a. À l’intérieur (French) (2007)

Eden Lake (2008)

Martyr’s (French) (2008)

The Crazies (2010)

If there are other horror flicks you think deserve to be on this list of “must-sees” leave a comment!

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Sleep Talkin’ Man

This guys wife records his sleeping talkings. The stuff that comes out of this guys mouth is hilarious. Highly suggest you check out the website here and listen for yourself.

Rainbow cake!


This was really easy to make thanks to Omnomicon. I didn’t use soda though, I used eggs, water and vegetable oil like a normal person.

Oh and thanks…without, I would have never found the instructions to make a cake that looks like reddit user MrUnicorn’s poop.

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